Liberating the Grudge

(The following is adapted from Fred Luskin’s Nine Steps to Forgiveness and his book, Forgive for Good)

The practice of forgiveness has been shown to reduce anger, hurt, depression and stress and to lead to greater feelings of hope, peace, compassion and self confidence. Practicing forgiveness leads to healthy relationships as well as physical health. It also influences our attitude, which opens our heart to kindness, beauty, and love.

Carrying a grudge in form of hate, anger, bitterness, or resentment, drains us of energy and may lead to any number of physical or mental problems.  Practicing forgiveness can be a big step toward letting go – toward liberating the grudge.

Sometimes, we have lived so long with a grudge that we question whether or not we actually are carrying a grudge.  Luskin offers this guide to diagnosing a grudge:

1.  We are taking the offense very personally

Anger can be a wonderful short-term solution to painful events, yet it is rarely a good long-term solution.  Anger is simply reminds us that we have a problem that needs attention.

Luskin says that, even when the offense is targeted directly at you, you need not take it personally.  Because [1] it is a fact of life that nothing that has happened to you is unique.  Many have suffered similar offenses, and [2] most offenses are committed without the intention of hurting anyone personally.  As Jan Chozen Bays has observed, “[those who offend] act out of their own suffering.”  That’s why, after even what seems a very personal attack, the offender can later say (and honestly mean), “I never meant to hurt anyone.”

2.  We blame the other person for our how we feel

Blame clouds our understanding.  When we blame another for our suffering, then we believe that they are the cause of our pain.  In believing this, we give them the power to regulate our emotions, and we need something from them in order to feel better. 

Once an event has happened and the moment has passed, it no longer exists except in our minds.  Each person involved in the event has a different understanding of the event – a different reality –  and no one person’s understanding embraces the full event.  Once an event has occurred, we can determine how we wish to understand the event and accept it into our lives.  If we choose to blame someone else for our hurt and live as victims, then we will suffer physically and mentally – we will literally drain ourselves of life.  If we choose to accept the event, take control of our response, and practice forgiveness, then we will be healthier and happier.

Be clear that holding people accountable for their actions is not the same as blaming them for how you feel.  And forgiving someone does not let him/her off the hook.  If someone’s offense has broken a law, a company policy, or the like, then the person should be disciplined according to the law or policy.  Forgiving is what you do for yourself to free yourself from anger, hate, and resentment.  If your forgiveness helps the offender find hope, all the better; but forgiveness doesn’t undercut justice.

3.  We have created a “grievance story”

When you carry a hurt it is important to share your burden with a friend or confidant.  Telling a person that you have been hurt is a healthy thing to do. 

You know that you have created a grievance story when you tell the same story over and over again to almost anyone who will listen, and the story puts the responsibility for your well-being on the offender.  You characterize the offender as acting against you personally.  And, your story ends with you being stuck in your pain…all because of the offender.

One reason why we get stuck in our grievance stories is that we try to enforce “unenforceable rules.”  When we try to change that which we cannot change or influence (such as another persons actions or feelings), we will fail every time.  The resulting emotional distress will zap our energy and embitter our soul.  As Luskin says, “Trying to force something you cannot control is an exercise in frustration.”

When something unpleasant happens, we have the choice of accepting it or not.  There are thousands of stories showing that people who seek to better understand the event, accept it as part of their history and experience, learn from it, and choose to forgive and move on live happier, healthier, more productive lives.

What to do?

If you are carrying a grudge, then what are you to do?  Fred Luskin’s website offers his Nine Steps to Forgiveness.  These steps provide a guide that may help you free yourself from the grudge.  More insight and detail may be found in his book, Forgive for Good.

If you find that you are not making progress, please seek help from a counselor or therapist.