Practicing Forgiveness

What does it mean to “practice forgiveness?”  Do we become super-sensitive to the slightest offense and then say the person (with well-rehearsed conviction), “I forgive you?”  No.  Forgiveness is a skill that can be learned and improved – similar to an athletic skill.

When I played basketball in high school, the goal was on playing and winning competitive basketball games.  However, our practices rarely if ever included playing a competitive basketball game.  Instead, our practices focused on the fundamentals of the game – dribbling, passing, shooting, agility, endurance, etc.  Similarly, in practicing forgiveness, we practice those fundamental skills that make us more forgiving people. 

Fundamentals of Forgiveness

There are many fundamentals of forgiveness that could be presented here – so many, that a comprehensive list would be overwhelming.  To keep it simple but effective, I have narrowed the field to three fundamentals: Gratitude, Kindness, and Generosity.

When we practice gratitude, we assume of posture of thanking.  Gratitude recognizes the fragility and randomness in life and takes nothing for granted.  In practicing gratitude, we are mindful of each moment and grateful for what we have and what we receive.  Gratitude acknowledges and expresses our humility, recognizing that there are no entitlements and we are not in control of what life dishes out.  We must “play the hand we’re dealt.” 

When we practice kindness, we assume a posture of respecting.  We recognize the presence and worth of self and others and show each respectful consideration.  Most commonly, this is expressed through common courtesies and manners:  saying “please,” “thank you” and “you’re welcome;” opening a door for someone; smiling and greeting another; exercising manners at mealtime; and the like.  Practicing kindness acknowledges and expresses our equality, recognizing that each of us is worthy of the same measure of respect and consideration and that “we’re all in this together.”

When we practice generosity, we assume a posture of giving.  Commonly, we think of generosity in the context of giving money.  While giving money can be part of the picture, it’s not the focus of daily practice.  In practicing generosity, we give generously of our time, our patience, our empathy and understanding – whatever is needed – to attend to the person before us.  Generosity acknowledges and expresses our mutuality, which can be captured in phrases such as: “you reap what you sow” or “you get out of it what you put into it.”

One common element in the above practices is that, in each, we are paying attention to how we respond to the people and events in our lives.  We are being mindful of the moment, assessing the interaction, and thoughtfully responding in an appropriate and productive manner.  Forgiveness, at its core, is about responding wisely when we are hurt.  Practicing gratitude, kindness, and generosity give us a foothold on being more forgiving and leading happier, healthier, more productive lives.