Self Forgiveness

In the practice of forgiveness, we treat others as we wish to be treated.  Often referred to as “the Golden Rule,” this ethic is affirmed by dozens of traditions all over the world. The troublesome part of this principle is we often are unclear on how we wish to be treated.  Why?  Because, we are confused in how to go about it.  If we are to believe the many advertisements that we see everyday, then treating ourselves well means getting other people to admire us, succeeding by overworking, and pampering ourselves by purchasing a lot of stuff:  personal products, cars, electronics of several varieties, trendy restaurant fare, and more.  Yet, as has been proved time and time again, we cannot buy our way to happiness. 

Taking care of ourselves literally means “caring” for ourselves every day:  caring for our physical health, caring for our mental health, caring for our relationships, and caring for our spirit.  These cannot be purchased.  There are no quick fixes.  Yet the majority of the messages we hear everyday say otherwise.  For most of us, our habits are unhealthy, and they will never, ever make us happy or more productive. This is huge.  And it is irrefutably true.

So, what can we do?  We have to make a conscious commitment to improve and be disciplined in developing new habits.  Here are three steps to get you started.

Our unwillingness to care for ourselves is often an unwillingness to accept ourselves.  The common phrase, “I am my own worst critic” is a true statement.  Self forgiveness requires you to alter your attitude and believe that you are worthy of respect, love, and care – just like everyone else – just as you are.  So, the first step is to accept yourself unconditionally, just as you are.  You may have to re-accept yourself any number of times throughout the day, but do it.  You are worthy of respect, love, and care just as you are, regardless of your past.

The second step is to practice the Fundamentals of Forgiveness on yourself, as you do with others:  be grateful for what you have; be kind to yourself as you are to others; and be generous with yourself, as you are with others, with your attention and patience.  Sometimes you will feel undeserving of this care.  That’s OK, you do not control your feelings; but you do control your actions.  So, practice the Fundamentals of Forgiveness, especially when you don’t feel like it.

You control your actions, which means you also control your “inactions.”  The third step is to affirm your “Yes” to self forgiveness by saying “No.”  Changing behavior means saying no to prior unhealthy activities, and this will take discipline. People around you will join the little voice in your head to encourage your former (unhealthy) practices, and you will hear yourself saying, “No” a lot.  “No,” in this case, is not a negative response but a positive response.  Saying “no” affirms the “yes” to caring for yourself. 

In his book, Good to Great for the Social Sector, Jim Collins says that being great is not a matter of circumstance; it’s a matter of conscious choice and discipline.  He also says that the biggest part of being disciplined is saying “no” to those choices that pull you off your path.  Time and time again I have found this to be true.  Make a conscious choice to accept yourself unconditionally, and engage a disciplined practice of the Fundamentals of Forgiveness, saying, “No” as needed to affirm your path to health and happiness.