​It’s one thing to talk about therapies such as this, to read about them, to imagine them. It’s a completely different thing to lay in that body mold and feel nothing while hoping that their aim is really, really, really good.
 
For me, this adventure is my version of skydiving. It takes some precise preparation, an expensive machine, and the willingness to jump and hope it all works out.
 
Another thing: it involves trusting my life to a lot of people.
 
As indicated above, I trust doctors, nurses, technicians and other specialists to get things right when doing treatments. We’ve been blessed in this regard.
 
But, if I want a good cry, all I need to do is think of how I trust the support that I’ve received and continue to receive during this wild adventure. It’s humbling and overwhelming. Every thought, prayer, well wish, email, text, call, etc. adds another layer of warmth, another plank under my feet. It means so very much.
 
It also can be great fun! One friend suggested that my theme song this week was “Zappity do dah.” I’ve actually been singing it. (The technicians smile graciously.)
 
It’s all to say, “thank you, thank you, thank you.”
 
I hope your next two weeks, in whatever and however you celebrate, may be richly blessed.
 
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Cancer is not a death sentence but rather it is a life sentence; it pushes one to live. Marcia Smith
 
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For those who are curious or get into high tech machines, here’s a short video describing the Varian TrueBeam machine – very similar to the one I’m experiencing (watch now)

​Now it looks as though they’re here to stay.
 
Today, I’m dealing with a chronic illness and medication that zaps my energy. I no longer can turn to the coffee pot and eek out those extra hours. Instead, I go home and nap. There’s just one small, lingering problem:
 
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
 
The new situation hasn’t fully impacted my schedule. I continue to fill my calendar as if nothing has changed.
 
Suddenly, I’m not half the man I used to be.
 
Late last February, everything changed in 48 hours. One day I’m fine and the next I’m telling my associate that I’ll be away “for a while.” What was thought to be a few weeks ended up as three months. After I returned to work, I knew it would take a few weeks to get back up to speed. So, we planned a lighter summer schedule.
 
There’s a shadow hanging over me.
 
Now that I’m back up to speed, I find that my speed is not quite what it was – even on a good day. So I let go of extraneous tasks and focus more on what matters. Consequently, I find that effectiveness takes on a different hue.
 
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.
 
At my work, one of our strategies is to address the whole person because we bring all of who we are to every situation. As I live out this strategy and adjust to having less energy, I find that I can bring more to the table by acknowledging and allowing my whole person to be in every situation. It keeps my priorities – from work, home, community, et al – in front of me. I’m reminded of what Jim Collins (Good to Great) said: strip away the noise and clutter and focus on the few things that have the greatest impact.
 
I believe in yesterday.
 
Before, a little less sleep, a little extra caffeine, a little more “just get it done” seemed to work. Now, I really don’t think it did. Today, since I must pay closer attention to my pace, I find that, as I welcome all of who I am into every situation, I’m more present, more focused, and more satisfied in my work. It’s a treasure that I share with you today and wished I would have believed in yesterday.
 
Quote
Knowing others is wisdom; knowing the self is enlightenment; Mastering others requires force; mastering the self needs strength. Lao-Tzu
 
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Treat yourself to this video of Paul McCartney singing Yesterday. (watch now)

​I’ve written before about living with uncertainty – not knowing when the next twist or side journey is coming. This one came quick: Oct 25 learned of new tumor, Oct 31 learned of need for surgery, Nov 6 further tests, Nov 9 met with surgeon, and then surgeries on Nov 14 and 15. It all happened within a 3-week period, during which time I was preparing to be away from work for up to four weeks.
 
We all live with uncertainty. It’s just that, for me (and others in similar situations), the uncertainty is more certain.
 
The certainty of uncertainty finds focus on particular events: “results” appointments, treatment plan discussions, starting new medicines, surgery. These events sit at the intersection of certainty and uncertainty in that everything could change at that point…or not.
 
As those intersections approach, I find myself getting in the zone. As if walking into a funnel, my world narrows: I take care of responsibilities at work, and then let them go; take care of home responsibilities and let them go; talk with friends and family, and then it’s just my spouse and me. At each departure, I receive thoughts, prayers, and well wishes that support me in ways I previously could not even imagine.
 
Eventually (e.g., as I enter the operating room), my world narrows to just me, and then I even have to let go of that, resting on a wealth of support and trusting those who will operate on me.
 
As I emerge from surgery and spend days walking the road of recovery, it’s like moving out of the funnel. My world opens up bit-by-bit as I re-engage with myself, my family, home and work concerns.
 
If my activities are out of sync with that funnel dynamic, it creates competing forces. For example, I was working on Nov 11 – the Friday before Monday’s surgery. That afternoon, I started to disconnect but I needed to stay present. I told myself to “buck up and get through it.” I did, but it was hard. Similarly, as I prepared to go back to work for a meeting on Nov 28, I wasn’t ready. I did it and then came home, but it took extra effort to be present…to even care about what was being discussed.
 
I realize that it’s a luxury to sync life’s activities with that funnel path. To the extent that I can do that, I’m grateful. To the extent that I cannot, I make do. Through it all, I’m exceedingly grateful for the support of spouse, family and friends.
 
Thank you.
 
Quote
In an ecology of love, people can relate in trust and face the future without fear…They can take uncertainty in their stride. Jonathan Sacks
 
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Here’s a brief reflection on how to live with uncertainty from Brene Brown (read now)