We all live with uncertainty. It’s just that, for me (and others in similar situations), the uncertainty is more certain.
The certainty of uncertainty finds focus on particular events: “results” appointments, treatment plan discussions, starting new medicines, surgery. These events sit at the intersection of certainty and uncertainty in that everything could change at that point…or not.
As those intersections approach, I find myself getting in the zone. As if walking into a funnel, my world narrows: I take care of responsibilities at work, and then let them go; take care of home responsibilities and let them go; talk with friends and family, and then it’s just my spouse and me. At each departure, I receive thoughts, prayers, and well wishes that support me in ways I previously could not even imagine.
Eventually (e.g., as I enter the operating room), my world narrows to just me, and then I even have to let go of that, resting on a wealth of support and trusting those who will operate on me.
As I emerge from surgery and spend days walking the road of recovery, it’s like moving out of the funnel. My world opens up bit-by-bit as I re-engage with myself, my family, home and work concerns.
If my activities are out of sync with that funnel dynamic, it creates competing forces. For example, I was working on Nov 11 – the Friday before Monday’s surgery. That afternoon, I started to disconnect but I needed to stay present. I told myself to “buck up and get through it.” I did, but it was hard. Similarly, as I prepared to go back to work for a meeting on Nov 28, I wasn’t ready. I did it and then came home, but it took extra effort to be present…to even care about what was being discussed.
I realize that it’s a luxury to sync life’s activities with that funnel path. To the extent that I can do that, I’m grateful. To the extent that I cannot, I make do. Through it all, I’m exceedingly grateful for the support of spouse, family and friends.
Thank you.
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In an ecology of love, people can relate in trust and face the future without fear…They can take uncertainty in their stride. Jonathan Sacks
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Here’s a brief reflection on how to live with uncertainty from Brene Brown (read now)